The Camping Story

Remember this is not a feel sorry me moment, just an incite into my feelings. Sometimes I feel this loneliness, so empty inside. I don’t know if it comes from being married for 12 yrs, or if I just can’t stand to be alone. But I hate being alone. I mean I don’t mind driving to work alone, or grocery shopping alone, or even watching a movie alone. I’m not scared of being alone, I just don’t like the feeling of not having someone to share things with. As a teenage I craved being with people, which at times got me into a bit of trouble! But even then I didn’t like to be alone. I am a bit of a social butterfly, I like crowds, I like social events, I enjoy them, I enjoy people. So where do these feelings come from? I grew up in a large family, 8 kids, so I was rarely alone. But I don’t notice that my siblings are the same way. Don’t crave it like I do. Concerts, state and county fairs, party’s and any gathering! I want to be there! I was married for quite a while before I realized that certain people I was related to didn’t like me, and I was angry for a while, then I did what I could to cope with it, I did my best to avoid them. If we were at the same event I would sit on the opposite side of the room form them and after a while I started Skipping events I knew they would be at, just so I wouldn’t have to pretend we got along. But it was always expected that I attend all family events. I tried to get out of going, once in a while I would get by on an excuse but more often then not, I went. I started resenting going to gatherings. I quit going to everything, I was afraid I would have to pretend and I was so tired of pretending. Once in a while they would ask “why isn’t Becky here?” most of the time they were probably glad I didn’t go. So The Family has a big reunion every summer, every summer they get together and I don’t want to go! I do what a good wife is supposed to do, I buy the groceries and cook the food and prepare to go, I am dreading it. I don’t mean a little, I mean like knots in my stomach, dreading it. I get all the camping stuff out, its in a pile on the lawn waiting to get loaded. All the clothes are packed, everything is ready. Everything that is except me. I’m not going. It won’t be a big deal if I skip this one. I’ll just stay home. I beg and plead as the truck is loaded. No, The Cowboy says, If you don’t go, nobody goes. Just take the kids for a couple days, let me stay home, no one will even care! No, The Cowboy says, we all go. Period. He won’t budge, all the kids want to go, so again I do what I should and go pack my bag and we all go. I’m mad, I’m upset, why make someone go to something they don’t want to attend? Ok I tell myself, just make the most of it. Just avoid the people who don’t like you and visa versa! It’ll be over before you know it. Most of the week wasn’t a big deal. I can put on a smile and muddle though most anything. The last day was a Saturday and I was ready to go home. We were going to eat lunch and pack the truck and go, no hurry(I was in a hurry!) The eating area had 3 large tables all running the same direction. Over the last table was a large wall tent all the walls down except for the side open to the other tables. Now remember how well I get along with everyone and its lunch time, I decide I’m eating with the kids! All of the adults and teenagers at the middle table and the kids and I at the table covered by the tent. In the middle of lunch I pick up a grape and throw it at a teenage girl, it hit her in the head and she turned around and wanted to know who did it. Of course all the kids pointed to me said it was Becky! Ha ha ha we all laughed and finished our lunch. Now most of the kids had gone their way and I was still sitting at the table, The Cowboy comes over to sit and talk to me. Minding our own business, I’m counting the minutes until we leave and he’s happy just visiting. Most of the adults are still sitting at the other table. And then it happens, a full glass of water thrown right in my face. One of the Brother-In-Laws had thrown a glass of water at me. Nobody moves, nobody but me. I jump up and yell “what was that for?” You threw grapes at us! Back and forth we yelled and argued before I walked away so close to tears, so close to saying things that shouldn’t be said at such a fine family gathering. All the while The Cowboy never said a word. To his own family. Not a word. Well I didn’t throw grapes at them, a 10 yr old boy was on the other side of the tent and had been throwing them over the tent and they were hitting the adults. He later apologized to me. He was the only one. I finished packing our stuff and gathered our kids, told them to get to the truck and stay there. I found The Cowboy and said I’m going home if you want to join me. He said, yeah give me a minute. I said no, I’m leaving now, or you can find a ride with someone else. He followed me to the truck and we left, but not before the Wicked Witch tried to give me a hug. It’s a good 3 hr trip home, luckily the kids were tired and fell asleep so I didn’t have to keep them from killing each other. I didn’t talk for the 1st 2 hours. Just sat and stared. And he probably wished I didn’t talk at all after that! So that is my story of why its hard to be around people, I love people, just not those people.

Cowboy in the City

I took the kids to Ann Morrison Park in Boise yesterday, we went to visit a girl friend who is doing some training for work. We were walking through the park, 4 kids and 2 adults. If you have ever been to Ann Morrison Park you know that frisbie golf is big there, they have a whole course and alot of people play. As we were walking down the path we stopped to let a few guys throw their frisbies (otherwise they would have been throwing them at our heads!) This big buff guy with tatoos stopped and talked to us, he looked at Gus with his fresh stitches on his chin and said "Man! what happened to you?"
Gus said "What? This?" and points to his chin.
The guy says "No not your chin, your neck, yes your chin!!"
Gus said "Oh I got bucked off a calf" (like no big deal, it happens everyday).
Then the guy is staring in awe at him, "You got bucked offf a calf? Where? At your house?"
"No, at a rodeo".
"You were in a rodeo and got bucked off a calf? Really?"
"Yeah and he scratched my side too"
"Man! You must be really tough!"
After some chit chat we went our seperate ways, I told Gus, that guy thought you were so cool! Gus wasn't too sure about it, I think we got him convinced though!

Room of Many Colors

You've all heard the Dolly Parton song a Coat of Many Colors? Well my Mom is painting a room of many colors! She has a good sized room in the basement and we have decided to make it into a kids play room, that is since the all the kids have moved out, again! The room originally belonged to me the to my sisters but lately was my little sisters, Laura's room and so it was painted pink. After its last tenants moved out, the room needed a slight makeover, so begins the painting! Those of you who know me well, know that I LOVE to paint, I really do!  But my mom has enlisted the help of her grandchildren while I'm at work. Yesterday was my first venture into the room to help paint. So get this picture in your head, we have an old cement bench foundation to work with so the benchh top is dark brown, the lower wall is light blue with a thick base board at the bottom. the top wall is mostly pink, one section is a different blueish green. There is an open closet area that has been painted a light brown. The floor is the next project I believe.  We are going to paint a hopscotch and a checker board on the floor. All of this was done with paint either me or my mom already had, which is why so many colors were used! After it is all done I will post pictures, it does have a cement floor so lots of pillows are in order! Can you imagine having a room like this when you were a kid? It has a book shelf and a TV in one corner. We will have to do something creative on the door! Everytime we go down to paint, Oakley sings while she plays with the little kitchen set, she must love it too!

I Believe

I get my hopes up a lot! and I do mean a lot! therefore my hopes get smashed a lot! But this is a list of things I hope and things I believe, just a small slice.
I believe that people are good.
I believe I have friends that would do anything for me.
I believe that my mom loves me more then life.
I believe that if I get a flat tire (which I can change) that someone will offer to change it for me.
I believe in opening doors for people.
I believe that kids need more love and more discipline.
I believe camping is good for the soul.
I believe that if you don't love what you do, you will be miserable your whole life.
I believe that family should stand by you, no matter what.
I believe that a home cooked meal will cure any mood.
I believe Mother-In-Laws are mean to protect their own children.
But I also believe that if you have taken the steps to be part of a family, you should be treated like that, part of the family.
I believe in standing up for somebody, even if its to your own family.
I believe in late night phone calls.
I believe music is good for my soul.
I believe kids should have responsibilities.
I believe being angry all the time will eventually kill you.
I believe that if you are never happy then your kids won't be either.
I believe people get stuck on themselves and forget about others.
I believe in good friends.
I believe that children's laughter is magical.
I believe in being upfront and honest.
I believe in learning how to sew and how to can food.
I believe you get what you give.
I believe in knowing when to keep your mouth shut and when to speak up.

The Mountains

I went to the mountains yesterday and had an amazing time! The kids played in the creek, hiked, and just drove us crazy at times! They played hard all afternoon and still had the energy to keep going all the way home, talking, laughing and playing. Where does the energy come from? We drove to the top of the mountain and we could see forever, it was beautiful! On the way home we looked for wildlife and saw a few turkeys and a couple of deer. Oh don't forget the bovine on the road! The littlest had to pee (for the 100th time) so we stopped at the reservoir to use the restroom and the kids had to go swimming again! We finally got them loaded again and headed home. What a great day! 

Things I miss....

I've been on my own for almost a year now and I've realized that after a 12 yr marriage there are a few things I miss....or don't!

I would say that I miss being with someone, but someone is with me every waking minute of the day. She is 3, has blonde hair and her name is Miss Oakley.

I would say that I miss the big house on the hill, but I think I prefer the little house I have now. Bonus! The "Devil" (AKA mother in law)  has never lived in the house I'm in now! Nope don't miss it!

I would say that I miss the kitchen, but I'm over the 40+ cupboards and 15+ drawers. WHere did we put the silverware? Nope don't miss that!

I would say that I miss the HUGE lawn, and its extensive flower beds, and the fruit trees that never bear any fruit, and the trees that drop pine cones that I had to pick up before every mowing. Nope don't miss it!

I would say that I miss an unexpected visitor at 6 am, walking into our house without knocking and asking why I was still in my pj's, wanting to eat our breakfast, when he had already eaten at his own house. Nope, don't miss that!

I would say that I miss the commute to work in the winter, getting stuck in the snow drifts, waiting for a pull out, sliding off the road into an empty canal, calling into work, cause I couldn't drive there. Nope I don't miss it!

So after some extensive though, trying to figure out what I DO miss? I have come up with something, the dishwasher.

Single in a Double World

So I had this conversation with my mom the other day, why can't single women have friends that are married? Why is it that men don't want their wives to hang out or go out with a single girl? Are they afraid the singleness might wear off on their wives? Or that if the single girl would talk to a guy that the married girl would have to too? I have lost many friends since becoming single. Many friends who are married, some I know are because husbands pressure them, some don't want to choose a side(which I would never ask someone to do). I do have one great friend who is still friends with Mr. Wrong ( that's what I will call my ex-husband, Mr. Wrong), and friends with me. She and her husband and kids are still great friends with both sides of the story, mine and his. But the majority of my friends from being married are gone, don't answer the phone when I call, have unfriended me on FB, all these things I can handle. I'm a big girl! My feelings might be hurt for a short time but I'll get over it. I would rather have a couple really good true friends, then a whole pile of fake worthless ones who aren't going to be there when I need a friend.

County Fairs

So we have been crafting pretty heavy with the kids. Even the boys! Mom's goal is to take over the county fair! We have been painting canvas's, building wooden structures, sewing aprons (even Gus made an apron!), picture taking is Macie's latest venture. I'm very excited as to how much stuff they have made! When it gets closer I'm sure they will make cookies and breads. But how great is it to get a ribbon? No matter what color it is! Oh yes and of course they will be making potato people! Oh how I LOVE county fairs!

someday

someday it wont hurt when I go to bed. or when i wake up. someday ill be used to being alone, and ill be ok with it. someday the rejection wont sting. someday the choice to be alone will rest in my hands. someday i wont cry myself to sleep. someday people will treat me like a normal person, like they dont feel sorry for me.someday i wont blame myself. someday i will be loved for being me and nothing else. someday it wont be hard anymore. someday.

Mom's foot stool

Can't start at the begining so I'll just start here

I'm just going to start this out with a craft or two and see where it goes from there! You're going to learn all about me and my life as a single mom, and a 911 dispatcher. Sometimes its just a plain crazy life, and other times its just perfect! Have questions or concerns? Just ask, I usually don't bite!