The Camping Story

Remember this is not a feel sorry me moment, just an incite into my feelings. Sometimes I feel this loneliness, so empty inside. I don’t know if it comes from being married for 12 yrs, or if I just can’t stand to be alone. But I hate being alone. I mean I don’t mind driving to work alone, or grocery shopping alone, or even watching a movie alone. I’m not scared of being alone, I just don’t like the feeling of not having someone to share things with. As a teenage I craved being with people, which at times got me into a bit of trouble! But even then I didn’t like to be alone. I am a bit of a social butterfly, I like crowds, I like social events, I enjoy them, I enjoy people. So where do these feelings come from? I grew up in a large family, 8 kids, so I was rarely alone. But I don’t notice that my siblings are the same way. Don’t crave it like I do. Concerts, state and county fairs, party’s and any gathering! I want to be there! I was married for quite a while before I realized that certain people I was related to didn’t like me, and I was angry for a while, then I did what I could to cope with it, I did my best to avoid them. If we were at the same event I would sit on the opposite side of the room form them and after a while I started Skipping events I knew they would be at, just so I wouldn’t have to pretend we got along. But it was always expected that I attend all family events. I tried to get out of going, once in a while I would get by on an excuse but more often then not, I went. I started resenting going to gatherings. I quit going to everything, I was afraid I would have to pretend and I was so tired of pretending. Once in a while they would ask “why isn’t Becky here?” most of the time they were probably glad I didn’t go. So The Family has a big reunion every summer, every summer they get together and I don’t want to go! I do what a good wife is supposed to do, I buy the groceries and cook the food and prepare to go, I am dreading it. I don’t mean a little, I mean like knots in my stomach, dreading it. I get all the camping stuff out, its in a pile on the lawn waiting to get loaded. All the clothes are packed, everything is ready. Everything that is except me. I’m not going. It won’t be a big deal if I skip this one. I’ll just stay home. I beg and plead as the truck is loaded. No, The Cowboy says, If you don’t go, nobody goes. Just take the kids for a couple days, let me stay home, no one will even care! No, The Cowboy says, we all go. Period. He won’t budge, all the kids want to go, so again I do what I should and go pack my bag and we all go. I’m mad, I’m upset, why make someone go to something they don’t want to attend? Ok I tell myself, just make the most of it. Just avoid the people who don’t like you and visa versa! It’ll be over before you know it. Most of the week wasn’t a big deal. I can put on a smile and muddle though most anything. The last day was a Saturday and I was ready to go home. We were going to eat lunch and pack the truck and go, no hurry(I was in a hurry!) The eating area had 3 large tables all running the same direction. Over the last table was a large wall tent all the walls down except for the side open to the other tables. Now remember how well I get along with everyone and its lunch time, I decide I’m eating with the kids! All of the adults and teenagers at the middle table and the kids and I at the table covered by the tent. In the middle of lunch I pick up a grape and throw it at a teenage girl, it hit her in the head and she turned around and wanted to know who did it. Of course all the kids pointed to me said it was Becky! Ha ha ha we all laughed and finished our lunch. Now most of the kids had gone their way and I was still sitting at the table, The Cowboy comes over to sit and talk to me. Minding our own business, I’m counting the minutes until we leave and he’s happy just visiting. Most of the adults are still sitting at the other table. And then it happens, a full glass of water thrown right in my face. One of the Brother-In-Laws had thrown a glass of water at me. Nobody moves, nobody but me. I jump up and yell “what was that for?” You threw grapes at us! Back and forth we yelled and argued before I walked away so close to tears, so close to saying things that shouldn’t be said at such a fine family gathering. All the while The Cowboy never said a word. To his own family. Not a word. Well I didn’t throw grapes at them, a 10 yr old boy was on the other side of the tent and had been throwing them over the tent and they were hitting the adults. He later apologized to me. He was the only one. I finished packing our stuff and gathered our kids, told them to get to the truck and stay there. I found The Cowboy and said I’m going home if you want to join me. He said, yeah give me a minute. I said no, I’m leaving now, or you can find a ride with someone else. He followed me to the truck and we left, but not before the Wicked Witch tried to give me a hug. It’s a good 3 hr trip home, luckily the kids were tired and fell asleep so I didn’t have to keep them from killing each other. I didn’t talk for the 1st 2 hours. Just sat and stared. And he probably wished I didn’t talk at all after that! So that is my story of why its hard to be around people, I love people, just not those people.